Stuffy Nose
A man walks into a small store. The store sells greeting cards, candles, incense and chocolate. The man walks up to the girl behind the register. His eyes are wide. His hair long. His face unshaved, sweaty, zitty. breath rank of booze, meth eyes.
“How much is that doggy in the window!” he yells at the girl.
“What doggy in the window?” she asks, frightened.
“I’ll say it again, and you better answer me this time,
How much is that doggy in the window!?” he demands,
both hands gripping the counter shaking.
The girl is frightened to death, almost in tears already.
“Sir, there is no doggy in any window, please, can I help you?”
“HELP ME? yes, tell me how much that doggy in the window is! Now bitch!”
“Please sir, just leave, please don’t hurt me.” she says, whimpering a girly cry, reaching for the phone to dial the cops.
The man grabs the phone from her hand, & slams it to the floor.
“How much is that doggy in the window! How much is that doggy in the window!”
he demands over and over again.
The girl is curled up in a ball now on the floor weeping in a fit.
He jumps over the counter, pulling out a knife, putting it to her throat.
“How much is that doggy in the window!” he yells, pressing the knife to her throat.
“five dollars and ninety eight cents?” she whimpers.
“Too much! But that’s all I wanted to know!” he removes the knife from her throat and runs out the way he came. She quickly grabs her cell phone dialing 911, crying, and shaking.
The man comes running back in just as the 911 operator answers the girl’s pleas for help.
The man grabs her cell phone from her hand, smashing it to the ground.
“Please god, don’t kill me!” she weeps.
“I got one more question for you, and you better no the answer,
you get three chances bitch!”
“what?” she whimpers.
“MARCO!” he screams.
“Huh?” she cries.
“Wrong answer whore! 2 more chances!. MARCO!”
the girl is in hysterics..
“Please don’t hurt me, I have a son at home, please Mr., please…” she cries.
“Wrong answer bitch! Last chance! MARCO!”
she looks at the mans wild eyes.
Her twitching lips suddenly say..
“Polo?”
“Correct!, goodbye young one.” The man says, zooming off in his pile of crap car, lighting up a cigarette, sneezing to himself, with no one around to bless him.
He turns up the music from his tape deck, and some man from a zeppelin yells…
“Soul of a woman was created below!”
The man suddenly loses control of his speeding car, and flips into a Texas cornfield, the front windshield decapitating his head as the music still rolls. His car taking out a baby calf. A farmer runs out of his shed to see what the hell all the noise is on such a sunny day.
Roach chili
Broke my favorite whiskey glass in the sink today
Doing dishes
“Dammit !” I screamed
I saw another baby roach run under the microwave
As I cleaned out some pan from a week ago
All caked up with dead cow grease
I have this paranoid daydream all the time that
The Texas roaches in my new house
Are going to climb in my ears at night while sleeping
& lay eggs deep into my skull
maybe even crawl up my hairy butt crack as I snore
lay eggs up there too, start colonies in my body,
my cats are useless, they should be catching the roaches!
Crunching them up in their tuna smelling mouth’s
Bad kitties!
I cooked chili last night, didn’t try any till this morning,
It would have been the best chili in the world
If only I hadn’t of added 5 jalapenos instead of three,
It’s real hot stuff, but im gonna eat it anyway
Im broke and just got paid
Tums next to bed with warm water
Squeaky Frawm went to the grocery store
I was already half drunk when she got out of work today
But she understands about that drinking thing
I even made my bed
Hung some paintings
Scraped resin
Ate an orange
Lit some incense
Showered, put on my old man slippers,
Clean undies and socks
Shaved, changed the cat litter,
Turned on the attic fan
Have been eating ambien
Every night for 14 days
Now script ran out
Hope I can sleep
With all the roach eggs in my ears & anal
Stoner kitties
i bet my new cat is inbred
he don’t look
like
the banjo player in ‘deliverance’
but still
two kitties
black & white
purring
on bed
the new cat named ‘Travis pickle?’
or maybe just ‘mr pickles’
the new cat is younger
&
tried to suck on leozanes nipples today
thinking it was his mama
leozane gave him a nice smack
to his inbred face
saying “don’t try that again you lil punk”
mr pickles just went “meow”
then leozane licked his face
while biting it
Pickled elvis
Cats sleep 16 hours a day
I’m jealous
When they aren’t sleeping
They are eating and shitting
Licking their fur
I wonder if Lisa Marie
Has any cats
My brain may be bleeding again
I read in a science journal today at work
That after brain surgery
One’s IQ
Drops
Tremendously
Tell that to the
Trepanation
Cult
Gotta go finish cooking
For Lisa mary's kids
Cat in dah hat
LaLa from the Teli tubbies is sucking on a summer passé-fire with
Luke skywalker dancing around in Speedos on crack, talking a mile a minute,
Dr. Ruth is bent of over the back yard spa, taking it in the ass from Leon spinx,
Alice cooper is curled up in a corner
of where the mutant dog shits, reading a bible of all things,
Robert Johnson is naked, drunk, on weed, laughing at me, how can he even see me?
Marsha Brady is sucking off
ethan’s hawk from sesame street
Keith partridge is silently sticking a needle in his dad’s arm
In some movie trailer
Chrissy from three’s company is on top of me, and wet, and happy,
And so am I for a change
Barbara Bush has
Ted Bundy and ET in a head lock, while they rip her
Sexy dress off, they laugh, fall into pool, and change clothes in mansion.
Charlie Brown is bleeding from his alligator attack
Jim Belushi is shooting his leg up with
Some sort of burnt egg fried remedy
Jerry springer, vinegar veins gone
Shaggy from Scooby doo is having gay sex
On some puppet show
With miss piggy and spock
as a dealer who
Pat Robertson has a black vibrator up his ass
With his followers beating pro choice women to death
As they drink shots of lime filled vodka
Jesse James is hanging out with
Oj Simpson’s mother, they are tongue kissing
Roger whitaker is playing his guitar
For a young man in a sleeping bag
Chong, from cheech and chong
Is passing me the answer
Ren from ren and stimpy show
Is off with luke skywalker, vomiting.
John holmes has
Hillary Clinton
Tied by the balls
Elvis is on the toilet with an
Erik estrada doll shoved in his nostril
On august 16 falling to his red carpet
Shoved down his final barf episode- the king they said-
The blonde girl from the show ‘hee haw’
And
Charlie
manson’s father are swimming in a sea of nuclear bass lakes
Mike Tyson’s dad
Is raping
Aretha franklin
Tarzan wasn’t invited
But he is still swinging around
Stuttering john
From the howard stern show
Is crying on his cum stained guitar
Starsky and hutch
Are running after
Jesse Jackson’s love child
In tight 70’s jeans
What u talking bout willis?
That lil black kids says after not sharing his crack pipe
Bob barker is dancing around an African fire
With head hunters who are hungry with spears
Saddam Hussein is dressed in a lil frilly pink skirt
He’s hitchhiking in Vegas after smoking Cuban cigars
Warring a bruce springsteen concert shirt
Kurt cobain is having dinner with Lewis Farrakhan
Discussing planetary evolutions, and plants..
On top a pillar of dust
Oscar the grouch is being beaten in a back alley
in Harlem because he fucked a pimps main squeeze
Burt Reynolds is making out with the mom from 90210
Bruce lee and Jackie chan
our dipping into their final stare down
ready to out do one another with violence
Lew fucking Welch is playing polo almost solo except
in purgatory with jack kerouac’s mother
As she yells “jew!” at ginsburg who is the ref
Oscar wilde is crying in the bathroom
trying to write a poem about how cruel the world is..
“hey let mikey try it, he eats anything…”
the kid eats the cereal..
“hey, he likes It , mikey likes it!”
dan rather is tied up in a hotel room in new york right now
being whipped by a 30 dollar an hour crack head hooker
tabitha sorrin is on ecstasy having multiple orgasms
danny partridge is in las Vegas singing his heart out
to another carnival passing through town
opium smokers are having incredible dreams
in a den right now as I write this
with frail ribs protruding from wiry skin
Howard Hughes is getting his dick sucked
by some 21 year old virgin from Alabama
soon she we be a centerfold
that every sick lonely undersexed male
gas station worker will masturbate to on his un paid break
rosie O’Donnell is having her fat smelly muff
eaten out right now as we speak
in her mansion by some liberal short haired dyke
clint eastwood is drinking good scotch
watching one of his old westerns
on a screen bigger than this apartment
wondering why a face must wrinkle
as he strokes his gun & contemplates an ending
bugs bunny just let Richard Ramirez paint him a self-portrait
ringo star is having tea with gg allin
discussing whether drummers should play naked or not
Michael Jackson is in his amusement park
on a Ferris wheel
going round and round
as he snorts crystal meth
playing his one hit wonder over and over again
all curled up in a sleeping bag
as his servants whisper
things about what’s wrong with him
it goes on and on
into the wee hours of the morning
crispin glover is sitting by himself
in his skull filled painted place
playing 1930 records backwards
with video cameras everywhere
and Robert crumb books plastered along
the basement walls, with newspaper clippings
and subjects of certain interest
all straddled up
Martha Stewart loves it in the ass big bird screams
with lou reed barbecuing in Elizabeth taylor’s backyard
with Neil young twisting his side burns around
Popeye’s olive oil juice upside down
in road runner fast forward impeachments
cause yogi the bear said so
after he stole mary poppins stained skirt
from the ladies shower room
with your voyeur cam
& billy bobs thortans backstage clown
is weeping because of
Angelina joe lees blood charm..
Dangling from some cheap hookers dr Seuss book
Gonna read cat in the hat
Gonna read cat in the hat
Gonna read cat in the hat
ambiencolawhiskeysleep
shape shifting
visions in dreams
to become an eagle
with gifts of flight
from high rise prisons I flew
into woods & mountains
tasting the wind
orgasmic journeys
becoming air
spirit worlds in deep sleep
to escape into one’s mind
changing form for occasions
a mouse in high grass running
un seen to my hunters
now panther feet with swan wings
this exotic astral plane
becoming any animal I wish
awaking in my body
wondering what it all meant
The asshole:
A guy who hasn’t slept very well is standing at his job. He’s hung over from cocaine, zyprexa, alcohol, oxycontin, crack, and some sort of bunk codeine cough medicine some guy named Jerome sold him.
Something just aint right with his head, he’s in asshole mode, something gone and gone koo koo shall we say with him. He has eaten little in weeks, has slept even less. He decides to be an asshole. He works in a bookshop and is standing at the register slightly twitching wondering where it all went wrong. for some reason he cant get the three’s company sit com tune out of his head. But it’s not really that tune, cause in the back ground he hear’s cream’s song
‘ anyone for tennis mixed with a velvet underground yelp’ dam, his head hurts..
A big fat lady dressed in tight skin hugging spandex walks up sweating with a mean nasty look on her face, she is carrying a pile of romance books that were on clearance.
The sickly man on register speaks~
“What’s up fatty? buying some crappy romance to read so you can stick your smelly mayonnaise fingers up your rotted cunt hole tonight when you think no one can see you?” the sickly asshole asks the poor lady.
“What the hell did you just say to me!?” the lady asks stunned.
“I said if you were any uglier or fatter or stupider I’d have to pull the gun out of my pocket and shoot you in your fat ignorant head, then I would take your fat body home and cook it slowly in the oven, with my homemade jiz sauce, and feed it to my dog, any more questions flubber buns? Or are you just hard of hearing because of all the fat blocking the communication between your brain and chubby ears?”
the fat lady breaks out in tears, and runs out the door screaming she is going to go get the cops.
Asshole spits on the floor.
A man in a business suit shuffles himself up to the register with a sweaty baldhead, he has a nametag dangling from his suit, that just says “Fred Johnson”
He places a bunch of business books on the counter.
The asshole speaks~
“Fred Johnson, what kind of a mother would name her kid Fred, that’s a pussy faggot name, I bet you whack off to kiddy porn late at night, your three piece suit don’t fool me you ugly gimpy prick.”
“Am I hearing fucking things? What the hell did you just say to me!” the bald guy yells.
“simmer down stud boy, you want these lame boring books or not?”
“Where’s your manager! I demand to speak to a manager!” badly screams.
Manager walks up
“what’s the problem here?”
“I’ll tell you the fuking problem, this employee of yours just insulted me! he is obviously insane! And I’m about to kick his ass from hear to china!”
the manager looks at the asshole.
the asshole speaks~
“dude, man, I got no idea what this guy is talking about, he came up to the register and slammed his books down, and called me a cocksucker, then he told me it was people like me that are destroying the youth of America, then I tried to tell him about our free calendar with coupons in it if he would just sign up for our mailing list, but he said he would ring my scrawny neck if I said another word, then he told me he had cloned the first baby on planet earth and that he named it eve, then he called me a cock sucker again, I swear to god man.”
The bald man named Fred Johnson ran for the front door, yelling about he would be back with the police.
The manager trusted his employee’s side of the story and walked away somewhat perplexed.
A bunch of college nerds walk up holding d and d books and star trek books, and x file books, and bat man comic books and a couple of boring science fiction books, they are all talking about their last chess tournament in the student commons. they all are wearing glasses, and are fat and zitty, some have trench coats on. Some have “go aggies”: shirts on- They lay their books on the counter and asshole twitches.
“NERDS! I love nerds that don’t even know how fukin nerdy they are, I really hope you fuking geeks never decide to procreate, for some reason I bet you guys get your jollies playing fuking video games and talking about the latest Harry potter movie, I bet you guys are even too stupid to fuck those ugly looking women you are with, you’d rather talk about calculus or discuss politics! Fuk!” the asshole yells
a nerd speaks~
“hey buddy, I don’t know where your circuits malfunctioned but you have no right to talk to me and my friends like that!”
asshole speaks~
“ha! What are you gonna do you fucking skinny fuk, you want to try and kick my ass? Do you?”
asshole throws the nerd books off the counter, and starts hissing, with foam spitting from his yellow teeth! and all the nerds run for the front door screaming that they will be back with the police.
“Luke skywalker come back!” the asshole screams, laughing out loud.
A couple jock boy all American college rich kids come walking up to the counter with all these books on sports, with there work out puffy muscles flexing and garbling to each other about drinking beer and kicking some ass on the football field. They set their books down.
Asshole speaks~
“well if it aint tweedle dee and twiddle dumb fuk, I bet you boys compare jock straps in the shower room after a good work out on the field. if you stud muffins spent more time in the library instead of the gym maybe you guys could actually form a full sentence. What? do you dorks want to arm wrestle or something? Go home and watch Monday night football and drink your trendy beer before I give both u a beat down neither one of you will ever forget.”
The idiot jocks look at each other stunned. One of them grabs asshole by the shirt and pulls him over the counter, and starts punching him in his head quickly. Asshole laughs hysterically as blood starts pouring out of his nose.
“oh no! oh no! help me, im getting beat up!” he laughs.
All these other employees pull the meathead off asshole.
The cops pull up.
The beach bitch
I’m sitting here alone with a bunch of invisible people in my head that are near the campfire cause she left me here with nothing but a map and half a sandwich filled with sand. she drove off away from the beach because she had an episode where she thought she was a better person then the narrator because she had more money, plus all the monkeys had been holding her captive for almost a year before she spit the change back from the over drawn accounts inside this lil cabin we use to share along with the fired up angry souls who thought everything revolved around the next fix or scam
When in fact you never did burn all the noodles but the brownies were sometimes overly crunchy like a cock ah roach being hammered into the hot pavement of memories with fishing boats along the piers when they perch themselves so highly fallen into traps with those brainwashed up bringings
To holler a silent whisper as your tires squeal out into the horizon of bullfukinshieet- so I went swimming and so a couple walking down the beach who knew the same people who were sitting around the camp fire- so I went swimming and found little parts of you left in the sea as Purina’s seemed immune to me, but nibbled on particles of your brain with razor sharp bites-
Barking
airplanes above
slow heat leaking from house vents
hammered Mexican blankets
around all three bedroom windows
to block out sun
railroad tracks near
trains soothing memories
the cat playing soccer
sliding across wooden floor
2 pm no clean socks
day off whiskey sipper
the neighbor’s dog
that never stops barking
I’ll son of sam him!
I walk around naked
because I can
one dollar to my name
sold almost entire cd collection
days ago
next I’ll sell some of my books
in order to survive
life is expensive
when you live alone
